Saunaman Read online

Saunaman

  Daniel Bowden

  Copyright 2012 Daniel Bowden

  ISBN: 9781476044750

 

  Thank you for downloading this ebook. This book may be reproduced, copied and distributed for non-commercial purposes, provided the book remains in its complete original form.

  This book is a collection of frustrating events experienced by someone trying to relax in a variety of health spas around the United Kingdom, although I have obviously exaggerated some. If you enjoyed this ebook and have comments or other stories that you would like to consider adding to the list, please contact the author at:

  mailto:[email protected]

  Table of Contents

  SAUNAMAN and the old age pensioners

  SAUNAMAN and the water coolers

  SAUNAMAN tries the jacuzzi

  SAUNAMAN joins the European Union

  SAUNAMAN and the young girls

  SAUNAMAN goes for a swim

  ~~~~

  SAUNAMAN and the old age pensioners

  Saunaman is sitting in a steamy wooden sauna.

  The sauna is empty, apart from Saunaman.

  He carefully pours some water onto the hot coals and a blast of steam fills the sauna. He checks the sauna temperature using the thermometer on the wall.

  "Great. Lovely and hot. Just how I like it.", says Saunaman to himself.

  He sits of the wooden seats of the sauna and settles down, feeling totally content.

  The sauna door opens very widely and steam begins to pour out of the sauna via the gaping door. A very old couple begin to shuffle into the sauna very slowly.

  "Looks steamy in here.", says the old man.

  "Shall we go in?", says the old lady.

  They look at each other for a bit and both nod in agreement. The old woman and man slowly enter. Steam continues to escape from the sauna. Saunaman's eyes roll with frustration as steam escapes the sauna.

  The old woman is finally in the sauna and slowly sits down.

  The old man gets in and begins to close the door.

  "I don't think you need to bring in your towel dear.", says the old woman.

  "I think you are right, dearest.", says the old man.

  The old man exists the sauna with his towel, leaving the door wide open. By now all the steam has disappeared. The old man returns sometime later without the towel and finally closes the door. Saunaman is getting madder as he sees the temperature falling on the thermometer.

  The old couple both finally settle down.

  After short time the old woman says, "This is too hot for me, I want go out.".

  The old woman and man both get up, they open the door wide and slowly exit.

  Saunaman says to himself out loud "Thank God they've gone!".

  Saunaman puts new water on coals, producing new steam. He settles down.

  The old man re-enters, opening the door wide.

  "Did I leave my towel in here?", says the old man.

  "Ffffff.....forget it." says Saunaman and leaves quickly, leaving the old man alone in sauna.

  ~~~~

  SAUNAMAN and the water coolers

  Saunaman is having a sauna on his own. He puts a carefully measured amount of water on the coals. Steam rises from the hot coals. He rubs his hands with glee and settles down.

  A large man enters the sauna and sits down.

  "Would you mind if I put some water on the coals?", says the man.

  "I have just put some on.", says Saunaman.

  The large man ignores Saunaman and sloshes a large amount of water over the coals. Saunaman looks unhappy at the amount of water the large man is using.

  A small man then enters the sauna.

  "Can I put some water on the coals?", says the small man.

  "We've both just put some on.", says Saunaman, "Be careful not to cool down the coals or the sauna temperature will fall."

  "OK, I'll just use a little bit.", says the small man.

  The small man proceeds to slosh a very large amount of water on the coals, much to the annoyance of Saunaman.

  A woman enters the sauna.

  "I'll just put a little bit of water on." says the woman.

  Without waiting for a reply from the others, the woman sloshes a large amount of water onto the now cold coals. No steam rises and there is not even a hiss as the water hits the cold coals.

  The woman looks at the three men in the sauna and says, "Not very hot in here, is it?".

  Saunaman says "Fffffff.....forget it."

  Saunaman leaves.

  ~~~~

  SAUNAMAN tries the jacuzzi

  Saunaman is enjoying a jacuzzi. An attendant comes up and takes a water sample from the jacuzzi.

  The attendant studies his test tube closely and looks very pleased.

  “Clean as a whistle. We put in a new filter and new water today.”, says the attendant.

  As the attendant leaves, a scruffy looking man with greasy hair and wearing dirty shorts enters the leisure complex. He begins to enter the jacuzzi.

  “You need to shower before using the facilities.”, says Saunaman and points to at sign clearly stating this fact.

  The dirty man walks towards the shower, switches it on and immediately switches it off again and not a single drop touches the dirty man. He glares menacingly at Saunaman as he enters the jacuzzi.

  Saunaman sighs, leans his head back onto the edge of the jacuzzi and tries to relax.

  A big man with long hair exits a nearby hot sauna. He is glistening and dripping with sweat from head to toe. He begins to enter the jacuzzi.

  Saunaman points to another sign and says, “You need to shower between treatments. I don’t want to bathe in your sweat.”

  The big man responds by saying, “Sweat is water and you are already lying in it.”.

  The big man enters the jacuzzi without showering.

  Saunaman unhappily tries to settle down again.

  The dirty man lifts a mangy foot out of the jacuzzi water and rubs his sole. He says to the big man: “This water really softens up my verruchas”.

  “Yeah, it’s good for my athlete’s foot too.”, says the dirty man.

  Saunaman shifts uneasily in the jacuzzi and tries to distance himself from the other two.

  A man enters the leisure complex with a large medical dressing covering his body from his stomach to his chest. Blood is clearly seeping through the dressing. Saunaman looks in amazement as he begins to enter the jacuzzi and sits next to him.

  The bandaged man turns to Saunaman. His bloody dressing is flapping up and down in the jacuzzi bubbles.

  “Just had major invasive surgery. My doctor said to take it easy, especially since my wound is infected.”, says the bandaged man.

  Saunaman lifts out a piece of medical dressing which has floated in his direction. Saunaman looks disgusted.

  A blind woman enters the leisure complex and carefully takes a shower. She walks towards the Jacuzzi.

  Saunaman says loudly: “That’s the way to do it! Take a shower before you get it in the jacuzzi! Well done!”

  The blind woman carefully gets into the jacuzzi, quickly followed by her guide dog who sits next to Saunaman in the bubbling water.

  Saunaman: “Fffff.....forget it.”

  Saunaman leaves the Jacuzzi.

  ~~~~

  SAUNAMAN joins the European Union

  Saunaman has settled down in the hot sauna. He is sitting down and beginning to relax.

  A large German man enters carrying a towel. He lays his towel onto the wooden seat with great care and sits on it. He looks at Saunaman and shakes his head.

  "Keinen sweiss auf'n holz!", says the German.

  "Pardon?", says Saunaman.

  "Keinen sweiss auf'n holz! In English it means 'No sweat on th
e wood.'”, says the German.

  He points at the large wet patch on the wood around Saunaman.

  “In Germany we put down a towel to prevent sweat contamination. It is much more hygienic.", says the German.

  Saunaman shrugs, closes his eyes and tries to relax.

  A Swedish man enters and sits down. After a small amount of time he runs his finger along his forehead and points to his wet finger accusingly at Saunaman.

  "Look at this! Sweat!", says the Swede, "In Sweden, all our saunas have a 'dry heat’. The sauna conditions are optimised so that your sweat is instantly evaporated. It is much more comfortable. Look at us all. We are dripping wet!".

  "I like sweating.", says Saunaman defensively.

  The German and the Swede look at each other and are clearly disgusted.

  A French man enters. He begins to drop his shorts, revealing his buttocks to everyone.

  "Sorry friend. You are in Britain now. You must have a sauna with your clothes on.", says the German sarcastically.

  Saunaman adds jokingly, trying join in the conversation, "If you take your kecks off in a British sauna, you'll get arrested."

  The German, Swede and French men look at each other. They all look thoroughly confused and all, in unison, say "What are 'kecks'?".

  Saunaman rolls his eyes in despair.

  A Norwegian guy enters. After sitting down, he knocks on the wooden wall and shakes his head.

  "In Norway, all our saunas are made from Nordic Spruce. It has ideal properties for sauna construction. This looks like a poor quality pine.", says the Norwegian.

  The Swede nods in complete agreement, "Yes, the Nordic spruce has a low thermal conductivity, allowing 'dry heat' conditions to be attained."

  The Swede and Norwegian both nod their heads vigorously.

  A large Turkish guy enters, sits down and looks around the sauna in disgust.

  "The British are a long way from producing anything like a traditional Turkish bath.”

  Saunaman: "Ffffff...forget it. I’m off for a swim."

  As he exits the sauna, all the Europeans say in unison, “There’s too much chlorine in your water!”.

  ~~~~

  SAUNAMAN and the young girls

  Saunaman enters the jacuzzi and sits in the relaxing hot bubbly water.

  Two young, and rather glamorous, girls enter the jacuzzi and say hello to Saunaman.

  Saunaman leans back, smiles, spreads his arms out wide at the edge of the jacuzzi and says “Hi” in a confident manner.

  A middle aged man, with a hairy chest, walks past the jacuzzi. He is wearing tight black Speedo shorts.

  One girl says to the other loud enough for Saunaman to hear, “Men should not wear such tiny tight shorts. It’s disgusting.”

  The other girl says “The body hair was foul too. I prefer a man with a waxed body.”

  Both girls giggle loudly. Saunaman smiles nervously.

  A woman walks past wearing a white bathing costume, which is very wet.

  “Did you see that! Her costume was completely transparent! You wouldn't catch me wearing that!”, exclaims one of the girls loudly.

  Both girls make a gesture of poking their fingers down their throat. Saunaman nervously pretends to nod in agreement.

  A muscular man walks past with a large aborigine tattoo down high right shoulder.

  “Those tattoos are so out of date now.”, says one of the girls.

  “Yeah. They looked good a few years ago, but now they are completely out of fashion.”, replies the other.

  Saunaman gets up, says “Ffff...forget it!” and starts to get out.

  As he climbs up the stairs and out of the jacuzzi, it is obvious to everyone that Saunaman is wearing extremely tight and small white pants and the crack of his behind is clearly visible through his transparent wet trucks. Thick black hair is poking out of the sides of his trunks, over his back and down his thighs. His left leg is also completely covered by a very large aborigine tattoo.

  After Saunaman has left the Jacuzzi, one of the girls says (quite genuinely), “He was really nice though.”.

  ~~~~

  SAUNAMAN goes for a swim

  Saunaman gracefully walks down some steps into the health centre pool. He begins to breast-stroke in the calm water.

  He completes his first length in the rather small, but empty pool.

  As he begins his second length, Saunaman says to himself, “Ahhhhh. Lovely.”

  A thin man enters, wearing a swimming hat. He puts on his goggles, takes a deep breath and dives enthusiastically into the pool. He swims freestyle very vigorously at great speed up and down the small pool; making huge waves with his arms and feet and splashing Saunaman in the process.

  Saunaman moves to the other side of the pool away from the thrashing of the thin man.

  A girl enters. As she begins to walk down the steps into the pool her feet enter the water. She grimaces theatrically and raps her arms around herself as she tries to slowly enter the pool.

  ”Ohhhhh! It is soooooooo coldddddddd!’, the girl says loudly.

  Saunaman tries to ignore her.

  An old man enters, he calmly walks past the chattering girl who is still on the steps. The old man starts to swim extremely slowly. Since the other half of the pool is taken up by the splashing swimmer, who happens to be now practising his butterfly technique and making even more waves, Saunaman is stuck behind the extremely slow swimming man. Saunaman is swimming so slowly behind the old man he eventually just stands up.

  Saunaman looks unimpressed and turns to swim back in the other direction.

  The splashing man stops swimming and takes a rest at the pool edge. The slow swimming man walks up the steps and out of the pool. The chattering girl finally enters and at last the pool is calm. Saunaman is pleased that the pool is now free for him to swim.

  The girl who has entered to pool suddenly shouts loudly: “Come on ladies! Waterobics is starting.”

  Streams of middle aged ladies enter the room, chatting loudly and begin to enter pool.

  Saunaman walks up the steps and out of the pool.

  Saunaman “Ffffff…..forget it!”

  ###

  AFTERWORD

  If you enjoyed this ebook and have comments or other frustrating stories that you would like to consider adding to the list,

  please feel free to contact the author at:

  mailto:[email protected]